Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 613
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
How do I say this without sounding like an egomaniac? I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that much.
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.