Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 613
I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.'