Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 613

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.

My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

You might be a redneck if Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, ‘I want to go to that McDonalds.'

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.