Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623
To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.
You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.
"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.