Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
We export films that are full of sleazy jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What's seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.
How does the audience fall under the illusion that they have some right to not be offended? Certainly you have the right to not be harmed; but offended? Imagine the number of subjects that might offend any single individual and multiply that by the number of people in any given audience. Subtract all those topics from any given comic's set list and what do you get? Mime. That's what you get and possibly what you deserve. I've been booed for wearing the jersey of an offending sports team and then won the audience back with rape jokes. Who can tell?
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.