Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!