Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 623
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
I know when the anthrax thing hit, white people y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, “Oh my God Aries, be careful. Don’t open the mail.” Black folks was never worried about anthrax. Because half the time we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill… Y’all want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD.
It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.
Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."