Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 624
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.
My nosey neighbor called the cops on me for making too much noise during football. Is fluffy gonna have to open up a can whop ass?
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?
I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.