Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 624

And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to be legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.

Don't work out, work in.

Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.