Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 624
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.
Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
I never played a musical instrument growing up but I knew kids who did and took it very seriously.
For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.