Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 622
Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
And some sad news… the first lesbian couple to be legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"
I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm..." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.