Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 622
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.
My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.