Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 622
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.