Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 622
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
How do I say this without sounding like an egomaniac? I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that much.
I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.
Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!
You might be a redneck if your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.