Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630
I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.