Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

I wasn't crazy but it is incredibly stressful.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

The man has a 70% approval rate, which makes sense to me because he's pretty much done everything I expected him to do: the economy's in the toilet, we're at war and everything's on fire.