Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.
I took a tip from your history books, and, the day after election day, I got a truckload of Dr. Pepper and just drove it straight into Boston Harbor. See how you like your favorite beverage being drowned.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.