Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 630
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!
I think that sometimes I’ve been a little too nice. I think you have to have a balance. When you’re too nice people take you for granted, they take you for a fool I think.