Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 631
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?
I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.
If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you’re talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they’re supposed to prevent, that’s like the hackiest joke out there now. If you’re still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.