Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 631
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.