Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 631

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

Why do you always give me jobs you know I'm going to fail at?

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.

I've never been disappointed, because I've never given somebody I liked that much power.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.