Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 631
Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.
In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.
It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.
I don't want to get close to people who have secrets that I don't know about.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.
President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.