Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 629

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.