Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 629
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique.
There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”
I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.
We export films that are full of sleazy jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What's seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.