Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633

Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"

I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.