Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.
Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.
For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'