Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633
I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.
Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.
If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you’re talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they’re supposed to prevent, that’s like the hackiest joke out there now. If you’re still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.
I know when the anthrax thing hit, white people y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, “Oh my God Aries, be careful. Don’t open the mail.” Black folks was never worried about anthrax. Because half the time we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill… Y’all want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.