Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633
I asked him one time to tell me how I was conceived. You know why? 'Cause I wanted one good story. I don't have any good stories. I have no romantic stories of my parents that don't end with this phrase: "So the cops finally cuffed the crazy bitch."
25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'