Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Stop shaking!" Never got a dinner!

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

Don't work out, work in.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

There's always that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'

I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

I can always create new material. That's something I can control.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.