Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 633
I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.
Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.
I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
You don’t have to go from zero to… the Dos Equis guy. You can take smaller steps.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.
NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.
Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.