Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 632
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.