Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 632
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.