Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 632
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
I have to hear this all the time in England: "Well, all Americans are fat and stupid, mm-hm-hm-hm-hm." Really? Well, thanks for sending over the best and brightest to start the party. Maybe we can send a few freaky, Texas, militia, hate-group, gun-toting weirdoes back to your country.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.