Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 632

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.