Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.
Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.