Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.
Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
I do love America. And L. A. is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
I have spent my life paying attention to my art form, developing my art form, worrying about my show and what I'm bringing to people, making sure that I give them a fine trade.
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.