Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.