Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.
It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'
There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!
I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.
Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.