Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 634
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? I’m so hungry right now.
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
The other night I was working, some white boy caught me in the hallway, “I’ve seen your show. I love what you do. But you make me feel so guilty. Must everything be race?” <br /> I said, “Yes, everything.”<br /> “Then you must think I’m the devil.”<br /> “No. But you’ll do until the real one gets here.”
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.