Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.

One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey.

The man has a 70% approval rate, which makes sense to me because he's pretty much done everything I expected him to do: the economy's in the toilet, we're at war and everything's on fire.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.

Kid is healthy! Wife is healthy!

Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.

Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.