Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648

How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?

People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

All children have brain damage!

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.