Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Don't work out, work in.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

I like definitive things.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.