Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.