Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.

You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!

I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" "Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Here's your sign!

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.

Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.