Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 648

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.