Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.
The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.