Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.
Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"
This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.