Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.

I don't have no damn cover! Kiss my ass, so what?

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.