Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
What I wanna know is why I never fit in right like a fat dude getting on a packed flight.
Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.
I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately... no one doubts my existence.
God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.