Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.