Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.
John Travolta, who said, "My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never got a dinner!
It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else.
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.