Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"
Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.