Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 653
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.