Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.