Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655
Bush and Cheney have this whole thing where if you talk about America, if you talk about them, then you're anti-American.
I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.
Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Without the reality, it's just slamming into things. If you start with that physical comedy, then things surely but slowly fall apart. But you build on that reality and then you can go pretty outrageous - up to the Keaton-like gags.