Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655

Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!