Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655
And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.