Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.
For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.
We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”