Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

How long have you been a black man?

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?

I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.

As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

John Travolta, who said, "My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never got a dinner!

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.