Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 655

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

I met a girl a couple of weeks ago. She gonna tell me, “If you want to get acquainted with me and my son, you’ll have to take him to Disneyland.” Ain’t that a bitch? <br /> I went to pick her up the next day and here she got four more kids. I said, “Who kids are them?”<br /> She said, “Them Bebe’s Kids.”<br /> I said, “And where the fuck is Bebe?”<br /> She said, “Bebe went downtown.”<br /> I said, “Why didn’t she take her kids with her?”

Bush is the face on the can. But who canned that soup?

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?