Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659
Inside there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box. I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, "son, move over." "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon…" my eye!
Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.
I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.
I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.
I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'
Rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price.
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.