Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659
All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.
Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.
I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" "Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Here's your sign!
I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I don't think about that. I wasn't a kid growing up saying one day I'll get an Oscar and make a speech. That wasn't on my mind. So what I do is the best work I can do.
I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”