Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
Remember Anthrax. They tried to blame that on the Middle Easterners. I knew that wasn’t a Middle Easterners. That’s not how Middle Easterners work… “What, you want me to put the Anthrax in the envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and then mail it? No no no no no. That’s not how I do it. Can I wrap the Anthrax around myself and run into somebody?”
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.