Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

Don't work out, work in.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

Always do whatever's next.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.