Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.
Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.
I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.
I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.