Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 659
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'
Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.