Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 660

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.