Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 660

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I never went out looking for glory.

I'm forever a part of pop culture.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.

Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.