Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 660

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

I like the escalator. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a escalator temporary out of order sign, only an “Escalator temporarily stair. Sorry for the convenience.”

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.