Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 660

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!

I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

There’s the members of the new partnership: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Dummo.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

D'you remember that famous fight, George Formby against Muhammad Ali? Ah, it was brilliant. Dyslexic promoter put it on.