Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676
Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!
I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.
Inside there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box. I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.
"We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!"
My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian.
I don't see the vagina as a sexual object, but more of a vessel through which I seek emotional companionship at the cost of freedom.
Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.
I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."
George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.
Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.