Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676
Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.
Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.
If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.