Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.
I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.
You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?
People don’t care that you’re doing theater. I get stopped in New York. “Aren’t you that comedian from TV. What are you doing now?” <br /> “I just did a year on Broadway.” <br /> “What channel?” <br /> It’s not a channel!
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.