Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 676
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.
I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.
There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
You might be a redneck if you have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
You might be a redneck if you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.
I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.