Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675
Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.
To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.
Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!