Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"
If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"
Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.
Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.
Ever argue with a female and in the middle of the argument you no longer feel safe… You know what my girl will do? When she get mad, she’ll start talking in third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on she’s not responsible for none of her actions.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.