Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!