Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, that's my only lil' girl. So if you think about huggin' or kissin'. Remember these words. I ain't afraid to go back to prison.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.

I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.