Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 675
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.
There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.
Comedy clubs were something that came to pass in the '80s, but toward the end of that, in the early '90s, people started doing comedy again in alternative spaces.