Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 677
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
I think about being married again, having a home and a wife. No one can ever be married too many times, and maybe if I keep trying I'll get it right one day.
I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"
I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.
If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?