Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 677

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, that's my only lil' girl. So if you think about huggin' or kissin'. Remember these words. I ain't afraid to go back to prison.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Today, the L. A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!

[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"

You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

We just got vialated by a nasty, small Frenchman.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.