Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 678

Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

I'm looking forward to yesterday.

I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

I was having a great day until I woke up.

I got a safe full of cherries ‘cause I pop it and lock it.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!

Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's — "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says — that I am dumber than a French whore.

I won't take no for a question.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steroids!

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.