Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 678

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

We just got vialated by a nasty, small Frenchman.

God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.

When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.