Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 688
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.
You're in a bar - grow up. You're drinking poison. You're trying to have sex unsafely with someone you don't know. Is secondhand smoke really the chiefest of your health concerns at this point?
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.
I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!