Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 688

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...

If I could go back and talk to the "me" who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That’s a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it’s really not.

I hope you die....<br /> P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'

Cake or death?

I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'