Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 688
I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm..." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.
So we’re on this plane, and across the aisle from us was another couple, about our age, traveling with their two children - a two-year-old girl and a very new boy who, though tiny in stature, had a crying scream so piercing, it was annoying people on other planes.
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...
Would I go to see a pediatrist or a proctologist to remove a foot from my ass?
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.