Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 687

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I was like, “I’m on my way to the liquor store. Are you inspired?”

I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians, just like some people are born dentists.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.

When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.