Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 689
I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
I got screwed when my parents passed away. They left me their unfinished business.
I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.
On 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' it takes almost a year to get 10 shows written. It always reminds me of my old yeshiva days, where you used to sit over a piece of Talmud and analyze everything that was going on.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.
I'm probably going to get in trouble for this but 'American Dad' is one of my favourite shows. It gets very dark in places but the jokes are there.
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.
I trip off it. You know what's interesting about the makeup is when you get up close and you know he's been working on your face and you see where the makeup starts and it stops and how seamless it is. You could look at it for hours.