Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 689

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

On 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' it takes almost a year to get 10 shows written. It always reminds me of my old yeshiva days, where you used to sit over a piece of Talmud and analyze everything that was going on.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.

There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.

A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!