Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 695
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!
A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.
I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.