Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 695

We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!

Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

They call me the confuser. Is he a man...is he a woman...? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

You might be a redneck if you've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.

Ever argue with a female and in the middle of the argument you no longer feel safe… You know what my girl will do? When she get mad, she’ll start talking in third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on she’s not responsible for none of her actions.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.