Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 695

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.

You might be a redneck if you've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.

Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

Where have I been? I've been on my flying saucer tour. Which means like flying saucers I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately... no one doubts my existence.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.