Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 694

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways.

(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Bush is in command. And when he heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.