Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 694

Private companies have a lot of capital. They can run things efficiently and get projects built.

I was having a great day until I woke up.

Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

We all think we're going to get out of debt.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

America, I appreciate you liking me.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.