Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 694
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!
I didn't see it coming, ... But Comedy Central wanted to do it and will air all 13 shows that we did. That's why I'm going out on this tour. If the show wasn't picked up, I would probably be flying off to a sporting event or something in October. I wanted to take a couple of years off, but that will have to wait because of the show and the tour.
They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.
If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.