Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 705

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I like LA. LA is cool, but it ain't like home. Atlanta is home. All my friends are here, I grew up here. But LA is cool. Its more like a big office. Its work and you work, and you're meetin' people all the time, but its more like acquaintances than friends and stuff.I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.

You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

I like the night life, I like to boogy.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."

We're good friends, but we hate each other. Last year, Kevin made the cut and I didn't. My show is over. Kevin's got a really big movie coming out. What else do I got?

I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina and wondering if 9:30 is too early to go to bed.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.