Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 705

I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I trip off it. You know what's interesting about the makeup is when you get up close and you know he's been working on your face and you see where the makeup starts and it stops and how seamless it is. You could look at it for hours.

Primarily I’ve gathered you here this evening to tell you this: that it’s not easy being British, as Kermit so nearly sang. The reason being, it is impossible for me as a British citizen to go into any museum in any nation on the planet Earth without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty. You have no idea what that feels like. You will. Oh, You will.

I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”

Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, "I will not live in a house with a Little John." Never got a dinner!

First of all, I have a rule. And that is: I never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex. Because #1 what if I know the guy?

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.