Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 705
You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.
You might be a redneck if you have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.
Bush is in command. And when he heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
Until as women we all say, "No! We are not going to starve ourselves", nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.
Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?