Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 706
You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by survival of the fittest.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.
Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, that's my only lil' girl. So if you think about huggin' or kissin'. Remember these words. I ain't afraid to go back to prison.
I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.
I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.
Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.
If you`re involved in with something that`s original, you know, you`ll always go back and try to rehash it.
A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.
Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!