Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 704

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina and wondering if 9:30 is too early to go to bed.

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing– Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".

You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know, NEAUNNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say shit. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, fucking say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, fucking say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"

I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.

Marriage is like a dull meal with the dessert at the beginning.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

In his defense the alternative was a cinder block. Have you ever punched a cinder block!? Those things are made of… Cinder!

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

I’m single again now. But I’m still buying condoms. Because I don’t want the woman at the store to know I’ve stopped having sex. I don’t think that’s any of her business. But they are kind of piling up now. I’m going to have to have a lucky streak. Or think of a craft project.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.

Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators?

I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me.