Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 704

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?

You don’t know Jay-Z’s schedule. He’s a Renaissance man.

I'll put an emoticon at the beginning of a text because I don't give a fuck.

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.