Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 704
My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn't anything about 'Oh, I've always been gay and I'm breaking the chains.'
Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.
I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time. On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
I’m single again now. But I’m still buying condoms. Because I don’t want the woman at the store to know I’ve stopped having sex. I don’t think that’s any of her business. But they are kind of piling up now. I’m going to have to have a lucky streak. Or think of a craft project.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
You got to figure out how to eat your snack while your elbows are touching. You got to learn how to twist your little plastic utensil.
I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.
When you’re big you don’t need a reason to sweat. You don’t, right? My friends cannot grab a hold of this concept. They come up to me all the time, “Geez! What the hell you do? You jumping rope in the attic?” “Well, I peeled an orange. About an hour ago, what’s up?”
They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”
First of all, I have a rule. And that is: I never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex. Because #1 what if I know the guy?