Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 709
I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.
President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.
I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.
Without the reality, it's just slamming into things. If you start with that physical comedy, then things surely but slowly fall apart. But you build on that reality and then you can go pretty outrageous - up to the Keaton-like gags.
A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable.
I don’t want to be a mom. I could easily be a dad. I could lie on a couch and have my kid come up to me for the first time when they’re 5 years old and go, “Dad, can I go outside?”<br /> “I dunno, ask your mother.”<br /> That I can do. I’d be amazing at that.
Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.