Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 708
Any boob can run a day-care centre but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're going to be from now on, a family.
For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.
I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns he state into a gay dungeon-master.
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.
People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I'm getting drunk, watching Sabrina and wondering if 9:30 is too early to go to bed.
It's just such a gross business. I see why people get eaten from the inside out. Even when it's going well it's hard to deal with.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."