Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 708
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.
You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.
It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
My first reviews came in. One said, "This so-called "comedian" should be told that jokes are supposed to have punch lines." Another said I represented "the most serious booking error in the history of Los Angeles music."
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'
You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.