Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 708

I'll put an emoticon at the beginning of a text because I don't give a fuck.

I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fucking bastard.

I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"

I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious.

You never know when you'll come upon something and it's going to be fodder for new material.

Without the reality, it's just slamming into things. If you start with that physical comedy, then things surely but slowly fall apart. But you build on that reality and then you can go pretty outrageous - up to the Keaton-like gags.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

I do situations and make fun of authority and life.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?

Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.

When you leave, you basically want to go eat, because I talk a lot about food in my act. So when you leave, you leave hungry.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.