Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 710

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you’re like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”

Went to the beach and I bought ceviche and a boogie board from the same person.

Obama is running again for spite.

Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it - if I was hungry, I would talk about food.