Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 710
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
The first Star Wars trilogy would have been much funnier if the whole time Chewbacca had been pregnant.
You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know, NEAUNNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say shit. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, fucking say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, fucking say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"
You might be a redneck if you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.
Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!
Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.
(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
I kind of do it in my head, then I'll try pieces of it on stage and if it looks promising, I'll put it together.
I felt like high school for me was like a big whirlpool of me trying to figure out what was OK for me to do.
My ist grade teacher was so obsessive-compulsive, that for fire drills she made us line up in alphabetical order.