Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 718
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'
I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.
When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.
If you study something and you find all this stuff about it, you just went skin deep, so if you keep going and going, you should be left with a fucking mess of unanswered questions.
I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time. On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.