Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 718

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

I was in a lot of plays. We had a weird drama teacher in that he was incredibly enthusiastic about a high school drama program and would talk to all the kids for hours. He ended up marrying one of the kids, but that's neither here nor there.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head.

Hillary’s explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?

When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

They always say the Miss America Pageant isn't a beauty contest, it's really a scholarship program. If that's the case, why don't we just put all the contestants on "Jeopardy!" and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one.

I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.