Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 717

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea." Never got a dinner!

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That’s Renaissance, French for ‘re-birth’. Re-nais-sance. And that’s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of Fr…Italy.

Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

I can tell you, from experience, that whoever said "Children and fools cannot lie" was one or the other himself. There`s only one way to guarantee that your children are telling the truth: limit your questions to the names of their schools.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.