Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 717
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.
Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'
This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.
I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don’t get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There’s no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
In the original draft I was 27 and Peter was 55 in the script. That's not the same as a guy in his 40s and a dad in the end of his 70s. It's a different point in both our lives.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.