Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 719
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, "It’s only a nickname." Never got a dinner!
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.