Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 719

I'd never directed before and this movie's too important to me to put in the hands of some guy who has never directed. Even if it's me.

Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.

We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. And on the inside cover, it's a woman and the man who publish this magazine wrote this inscription: "some day, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Honestly, you got to take care of the people that take care of you. I know that sounds like cliche, or borderline phony, but that's the case. The reason I've had the fans that I have is because I've been consistent over the years and kept coming back and doing the same runs. I'm never going to stop doing the cities I've gone through. I'm only going to add.

Maid Marion, who said to Robin Hood, "I will not live in a house with a Little John." Never got a dinner!

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

First of all, I have a rule. And that is: I never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex. Because #1 what if I know the guy?

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.