Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 729
You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to meet women.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.
Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!
Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.