Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 729

When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

Sometimes sarcasm is just someone quietly hating the fuck outta you.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.”

I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.

Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

I'm sitting down, and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I'm not crying. And then they go, "Excuse me, sir, why aren't you crying, sir?" I'm like, "'Cause I read the book, bitch. Keep bothering me, and I'll ruin the ending".

I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.