Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 730
Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
I'm sitting down, and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I'm not crying. And then they go, "Excuse me, sir, why aren't you crying, sir?" I'm like, "'Cause I read the book, bitch. Keep bothering me, and I'll ruin the ending".
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.
Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.
Prostitutes in Lyons, France, sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's — "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says — that I am dumber than a French whore.
I'm a walker. I enjoy walking, which I think psychologically expresses my feelings of wanting liberation without exerting myself too much.