Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 730

My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!

It was fun because, after shooting, Will and I would eat a jar of pickles and tell each other secrets. It was so much fun!

Everyone around me says, You're a genius! You're great! That's your voice! But I'm not sure if they're right.

Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.