Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 728
For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man, isn’t he? He’s an incredible man. Incarcerated for 25 years. He was released in 1990. He’s been out about 18 years now. And he hasn’t reoffended.
The first Star Wars trilogy would have been much funnier if the whole time Chewbacca had been pregnant.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.
Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, "Duh, where are all the famous people?"