Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 728
Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.
A young senator came to me one Tuesday afternoon and said, ‘I want to be the next president of the United States.’ I looked at him, made him get into a sensory deprivation tank and answer a few deceptively simple questions, and after about an hour I said, ‘Okay, kid, let’s do this.’ That person, of course, was John F. Kennedy.
You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That's gotta stop. It's a problem, 'cause when you download, let's say, a P. Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.
Today’s topic: premenstrual syndrome, the bastards that inflict upon women, earthquakes and stuff that falls down!
We don’t know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.