Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 728
The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, "where will you spend eternity?". Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.
In answer to the question, "Why do they hate us?" Al Queda today admitted it's those guys who wear a scarf with just a t-shirt.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!
The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!
If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!
When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.