Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 733
They're not going to teach science at all. What they do is take the science students down to the lake, tie them in burlap sacks, and throw them in. If God thinks they're good science students, they float.
I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.
If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.
The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.
Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.
It’s hard to idolize a ballplayer when you're forty and he’s, let’s say, twenty-one. How can I be yelling “You da man!” when he da kid?
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.
When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”
You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."