Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 733
If you want to dig, if you want to pry, do it on your time, but I'm going to be a woman of dignity.
You have to have lived some life. You've got to have paid some dues.
When we ask you if we look fat, it really means "Can you see my clit?"
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.
My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture - two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck.
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.