Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 733
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”
The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, "where will you spend eternity?". Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.
The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!
If you're a parent, the five worst words you can say to your children are, "When I was your age ..." You were never their age. You were older in the womb.
You might be a redneck if your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.