Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 734

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I'm not like a performer type.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."