Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 732
I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”
If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?
I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.
I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.
Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
There's a lot of people who don't want anything from me but to laugh and have a good time. You see them at the show and they like - they dress up to come see your show and stuff. And they pack these auditoriums and it's a lot of fun, man. It's like, this is how I started, and it's still fun for me.
If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don't feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there's too much that I still want to do.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, "I am a shallow, shallow person."
If you want to dig, if you want to pry, do it on your time, but I'm going to be a woman of dignity.