Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 732

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).

Life is just a bowl of pits.

If you’re “willing to die” for a cause you should really find some other less potential death related interests.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

My first reviews came in. One said, "This so-called "comedian" should be told that jokes are supposed to have punch lines." Another said I represented "the most serious booking error in the history of Los Angeles music."

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.

Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.