Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 740
I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.
If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.
Who ever invented ALCOHOL should be shot immediately, Hangovers are the worst... I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.
Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!
I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!