Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 755
I thought it would be way more interesting to show the drunk people, the hecklers.
"Money is the root of all evil." Then we hear, "A fool and his money are soon parted." What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, "A wise man and his money are soon parted"? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.
I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."
The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.
My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
Movies are movies, and I don't think any of them are going to hurt the moral fiber of America and all that nonsense.
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.
When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, "I am a shallow, shallow person."
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.