Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 755

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.

It's like Canada, but without the metric system.

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I am two with nature.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.