Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 754
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.
They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.
Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That’s how I want to love him – through pictures and folklore.
I was an altar boy too. No, I don’t have any jokes. Sorry, my priest was cool. He didn’t touch me. Never approached me. He didn’t look at me twice… no matter what I did.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.
Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it’s a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?
She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!
I thought it would be way more interesting to show the drunk people, the hecklers.