Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 754
The Devil: Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If had read your bible, you might have seen it was damnation WITHOUT relief.
Some people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?
Amy Winehouse – her surname’s beginning to sound like a description of her liver.
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!
I did that on a date once - I was wearing a bathing suit under my pants because I didn't do laundry. She wouldn't have known except for I had that white string flapping outside of my fly. She was like, 'What do you have - a tampon in there? What the hell's wrong with you?'
There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like "Barks & Recreation" and "Game of Bones."
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.
The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.
When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.