Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 754
My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.
White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
In the late '60s and '70s, when feminism was on the up sweep, there was an awareness of things that we're losing again.
If your name is 'Christina' and you spell it 'Xtina', there’s a 99% chance you've given your stepdad a blowjob.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."