Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 756

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That’s how I want to love him – through pictures and folklore.

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

George Washington, who said to his father, "Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President?" Never got a dinner!

I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.