Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 756
When we ask you if we look fat, it really means "Can you see my clit?"
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.
My mom is very religious, and she said, ‘Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.’ If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.
If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man, isn’t he? He’s an incredible man. Incarcerated for 25 years. He was released in 1990. He’s been out about 18 years now. And he hasn’t reoffended.
Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.