Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 756
Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Women, stop buying the lingerie. Stop buying it right now. Oh, it's a big rip off. Oh my god, $18 bucks for panties this big? Come on, one trip through the dryer, and it's a frilly bookmark.
I thought it would be way more interesting to show the drunk people, the hecklers.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I'm going to be putting together a tour, where myself and some like-minded comics go out.
Who ever invented ALCOHOL should be shot immediately, Hangovers are the worst... I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.
It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.
Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.
They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!