Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 758

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?

Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It’s like, “You want some tequila?” “No dude, that last time I had that…”<br /> Doesn’t happen with anything else. “You want some jelly beans?” “No. The last time I had jelly beans I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the wall. Seriously dude, I can’t even smell the black ones. Just get ‘em out of here?”

You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.

Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy.

If you want to dig, if you want to pry, do it on your time, but I'm going to be a woman of dignity.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.

If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"

You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.