Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 758

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

I love traveling. It not only opens my mind up, but it also allows me to use my fame in another way through humanitarian works and stuff, and being an influence around the world.

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!

Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.

If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.