Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 758

I get a standing ovation just standing.

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.

You have to have lived some life. You've got to have paid some dues.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!

I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.

I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.

I was on the way to my hotel, and I passed a hotel going in the opposite direction.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.