Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 759
What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!
Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.
If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.
Some people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person - as the people in this room will attest.
Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.
You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.