Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 759

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.

And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like "Barks & Recreation" and "Game of Bones."

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.