Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 759

I tell you what I could use, new color TV.

I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.

Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.

And everything's over when your grandma walks in, get that dick outta the fish tank! Time for supper!

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.