Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 760
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.
When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.
I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.
Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
Certain things should be yours to have when you work your way to the top.