Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 760

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

I really don’t deserve this. But I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

Are a lot of eight year olds that stressed? Do we got a lot of eight year old kids coming home from school going, “Oh, man, my day today. I could not make a cursive S to save my life.”

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I get a standing ovation just standing.

Never go online to self-diagnose. Ever. Don’t fucking do it.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.