Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 760
You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
I really don’t deserve this. But I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.
I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.
It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
Are a lot of eight year olds that stressed? Do we got a lot of eight year old kids coming home from school going, “Oh, man, my day today. I could not make a cursive S to save my life.”
I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”
Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'
I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate … Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at the back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …