Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 766

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.

Amy Winehouse – her surname’s beginning to sound like a description of her liver.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, "Oh, I found me a hobby."