Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 766

You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.

You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a "failed jobs program."

A grandchild is God’s reward for raising a child.

One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I'm not really a music guy.