Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 765
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.
On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
You're looking at something that is going to revolutionize the whole world.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.
I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China I’m Shaquille O’Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I’m like, “Hey, you got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?”<br /> “Ah no! How about an 8?”<br /> “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?”
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'