Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 765

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I like the energy of live performance.

I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.

The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.

When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.

I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!