Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 767
The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.
What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.
They make these outrageous comedies and just use these kids as props. They're not beings who are transforming.
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."