Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 767
Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
The black groups that boycott certain films would do better to get the money together to make the films they want to see, or stay in church and leave us to our work.
My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
There's this whole sense of judgment and who's right and who's wrong and who's moral and who's going to be punished.