Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 773

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you`re not married and having children, it`s like your life is empty or you`re a communist meanie.

I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.

Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue.

You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.

I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"