Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 773
I'm going to be putting together a tour, where myself and some like-minded comics go out.
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.
But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.
Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!
Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing "I got a right to sing the blues." Never got a dinner!
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
I think the time it takes to feel better about a break up is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.
It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”