Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 773
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
I appreciate y’all having me. A lot of you ain’t laughing right now, but goddammit I’m funny. And I’ll have your ass vomiting shortly. Believe that.
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person - as the people in this room will attest.
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
‘No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels.’(Reply to a heckler at Warrington University, who told Whitehall he’d ‘come here for comedy.’)
You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.
Oopsy diddly. Pardon me madams, did I get me rah rah juice on your peepers?
How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!